Baby Brianna... she never had a chance

I cant help but feel sick when I saw this video... We as Mothers need to stand up for the health and well being of our children. This poor girl never had a chance. How could some one be so sick and depraved?

And 18 years?? Is that what a baby's life is worth?

If it were up to me it would have been the death penalty for sure....

Do you ever wonder?

I have been trying to get some sleep, starring at the walls thinking. I have been thinking of how life is so uncertain , so fragile. How our love may be unconditional but the ones we love could be gone tomorrow. How we could loose everything in an instant.
Have you ever wondered about car accidents..... How if you had left one minute later or twenty seconds earlier, if you turned left instead of right how everything could be different? I cant help but think of this, often its when my husband leaves for work bleary eyed in the morning. Or when the guy in the oncoming lane is on his cell phone. What if in one second in one action my entire life is altered?
My children are my everything and if I lost one of them I don't know if I would ever recover, how do you keep on living when a huge part of you is now missing? I thought about this tonight, we were in bed getting ready to sleep and I remembered I left my daughters window open today, I turned to my husband and asked him if he had closed it. He assured me he had, but then the thoughts started keeping in, did he... does he really remember closing it?
I could see her falling out, I could see the aftermath. I could even see me later in her room refusing to leave crying and wallowing in my guilt in my laziness that two minutes checking that damn window could have made a difference.
Why do I think cryptic dark thoughts like this? I don't know, I wish I could live "Leave it to Beaver" style and know that nothing will happen, no bad things can penetrate if I just keep my head up and my house clean.
I have been frustrated with my life allot in the past few years and as of late I have been frustrated with the stage my daughter is currently in. But thinking of loosing it sickens me and makes me take a step back from my own selfishness and realize what I have.
Some days I can understand what appeals to a hermit, a loner, and outcast. Never having to love means never having to let anyone penetrate your walls and attach themselves to your life. No risk of loosing anything, it must feel safer that way.
Obviously I would rather have my family but the thought of loosing them still reels me from the inside.
Maybe I am just paranoid but maybe i am just choosing to see life as it really is, a crap shoot.... a gamble. Tomorrow I will do better, I will love and live and move on as if nothing can go wrong. But inside I will carry my fear, inside I will wonder. For now though I am going upstairs and kissing my daughter and checking on my son... And yes I will double check that stupid window, because at least I can do that I can try to make a difference by not taking the chance. At least tonight I can try to turn left instead of right and love my family now this very minute.....

Good night

Moms are special people

REBA MCENTIRE.......(im a survivor)

"I was born three months too early
The doctor gave me thirty days
But I must've had my mama's will And God's amazing grace
I guess I'll keep on livin'
Even if this love's to die for
'Cause your bags are packed and I ain't cryin
' You're walkin' out and I'm not trying To change your mind
'cause I was born to be

Chorus: The baby girl without a chance A victim of circumstance The one who oughta give up, but she's just Too hard headed A single mom who works two jobs Who loves her kids and never stops With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter I'm a survivor

I don't believe in self-pity
It only brings you down
May be the queen of broken hearts
But I don't hide behind the crown
When the deck is stacked against me I just play a different game
My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changin' fast
Who I am is who I wanna be

Repeat Chorus A single mom who works two jobs Who loves her kids and never stops With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter I'm a survivor But I must've had my mama's will And God's amazing grace "

- photo of my Mom and I-

I get goosebumps every time I here this song.... I think of my mom, she raised us alone and worked three jobs to give us what we needed and wanted.
As mothers we unknowingly sign a contract the minutes we get pregnant to put our children ahead of ourselves.
In pregnancy we strive to eat well, not drink or smoke and overall take better care of ourselves for the sake of our unborn baby. Then after the birth you surrender your ENTIRE life to the well being of a small creature who is demanding and tedious. But we love them, I think we are wired to love them.
If someone were to tell you that in nine months an alien new to this planet would some into your house and demand all of your time, energy and resources you would probably call the FBI and have them ready with a SWAT team! But we willingly make preparations for the coming of these new little people. We dream of the colors of their nursery to playing in the park and going on first dates. We pick their names fold their onsies and buy them ever single item available to make raising a baby easier and more comfortable. (seriously do you REALLY need 2 wipe warmers in the house??)

And as they grow we give them not only time and resources but our knowledge and wisdom as well,
Like I said in my last post we strive to raise these children of ours to be confident competent adult and take the best of ourselves and give it to them and try to keep the worst away from them.

Dads are great to dont get me wrong but there is just something spectacular about a mother.

OK now launching off into a JMO- I have always wondered why it is that Mothers are automatically in our culture given the brunt of the child raising responsibilities, such as when a Dad watches his kids its "baby sitting" yet a mother is expected to watch them. And when sadly a couple divorces 9 times out of 10 the mother is expected to take the children and raise them herself. While the husband is allowed to roam free of his responsibilities minus child support and bi weekly visits. I think it all comes down to the fact that we as mothers are just plain better at it.
An example of this is my husband, who God bless him tries very hard, but just does not get it. He could sleep through a category 5 hurricane and not bat and eye, yet I wake if my baby sneezes, sighs, rolls around, or whimpers... Even in the next room! I even karate chopped my husband once for almost rolling on our infant, seriously from a deep sleep I awoke and bam chop to the head! lol He calls it my "mommy sense" and knows that when it tingles we should listen to it!

Ok back to the topic,
We as mothers need to give ourselves a quick break, know that you are doing the best with what you have and unlike the books magazines and other play group moms would have you believing we all try to make it day to day minute to minute. We all get frustrated and sad, depressed and exhilarated. Shit why skydive when you can just have kids! You get all the emotions with less danger of head splatting!
I just want all moms to know that even if you are not the same as each other we share a common bond, a band of mothers who joined a sacred club the moment they peed on the stick. We can make jokes to each other about almost anything baby related and get it, when our none baby friends may look at us like we are alien, and we just plain understand each other.

Speaking of non baby friends when was the last time you had a conversation not involving your kids? and do they ever get that deer in the headlights look when you bring up potty training or blow outs for the umpteenth time? Ah yes this is why we need like minded mommies friends to listen to our ranting of onsies and stretch marks, skinned knees and make believe.

Because again when you signed that contract, when you became a mother you gave up a piece of you to give to them, Will you ever get it back? probably not, but hey thats A ok with me.

Why cant you just sleep?

Its early..... too early,

Like every single night for the past five months I again have had little to no sleep. Why is it I seem to get the baby who wants to play at night? They say Breastfeeding is going to make him sleep less but you can sooth them faster which promotes sleep. I dont know much about all that except that in those first few weeks before I had really adjusted to the lack of sleep I was NOT being a productive parent AT ALL. Sure my kids were fed and changed and loved but I did not take care of myself.

I learned some valuable lessons about what matters though, and smelling like three day old spit up does not matter in the log run, and hell it serves as a form of birth control in those early months! And that dishes would eventually be done and that my husband can eat stofurs dinners and be just as happy as when he eats the dinner I slaved on for hours....

There are those out there who have decided that we should all just "sleep when the baby sleep" have you ever really tried to sleep when you new born is sleeping and your toddler is not? And on the miracle chance they both sleep at the same time your house may be smelling like the city dump and you haven't showered in a week, so sleep is once again thrown to the way side.

I remember the two worst sleep deprived moments with this baby. One of them came in about week 3.... I was laying on the couch rocking his swing manually because the batteries went dead and I could not drag myself up to change them, then he starts to cry and try as I might he wont stop. after an hour or so of me trying to sooth him I think I just fell asleep..... I slept through him crying three inches from me in his swing and I slept.....

I think that was a very low point for me but it only got worse as time went on, one morning I was up at four as usual and my husband came prancing down the stairs at five all bright eyed and bushy tailed. He smiled and said

"well your up early!"

To which I replied, " No you insensitive bastard I never went to sleep! But you would know that now would you? Go to work! Just go and enjoy the adult human contact!!!!"

Oh yeah those were the days.....

Now though i do get a decent amount considering 6 hours as decent and my two kids more often then not do sleep at the same time during the day. But for those of you still out there getting NO sleep know that this to will pass and sooner rather than later you WILL be able to laugh about it and move on.

Our kids grow so fast and in those early day I say fore the little things like having a perfect house and neatly folded laundry and SLEEP when you can and enjoy your Little baby while he is still so little.

For me though what did work was a mix of co-sleeping and having his pack and play in the room with us within arms reach. I also do breast feed which in those bleary middle of the night feedings is truly easier. I have been on both sides of that one. With my daughter I bottle fed after a few months and it was in my opinion WAY harder to have to actually wake up and find, mix and warm a bottle while she screamed for food. With my son all i had to do was pop a breast out and feed him in bed with us. I am now an AVID supporter of breastfeeding but really do what is best for you and your family. In the end a thousand people can tell you what worked for them but only you can decide what is truly best for you and your child.

And dont buy into the hype of the media based baby books when they tell you to put your infant on a schedule, think of it this way. If you were in a brand new planet with alien and foreign things everywhere and you depended on strangers to feed bath and care for you while you yourself could not speak or move how well would you do on their schedule?

There is a cut off in my house for the no schedule rule though. Around six months when we have more or less established a routine of sorts I do allow a little more rules and a little less winging it. But again this is what I do and for you co-sleeping may work till four years old or never!

AND ITS ALL OK

You are doing the best you can with what you have. Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet! One in which men have no idea about. So give yourself a pat on the back and do what ever you need to do to get to tomorrow with your baby and yourself in one piece.