Do you ever wonder?

I have been trying to get some sleep, starring at the walls thinking. I have been thinking of how life is so uncertain , so fragile. How our love may be unconditional but the ones we love could be gone tomorrow. How we could loose everything in an instant.
Have you ever wondered about car accidents..... How if you had left one minute later or twenty seconds earlier, if you turned left instead of right how everything could be different? I cant help but think of this, often its when my husband leaves for work bleary eyed in the morning. Or when the guy in the oncoming lane is on his cell phone. What if in one second in one action my entire life is altered?
My children are my everything and if I lost one of them I don't know if I would ever recover, how do you keep on living when a huge part of you is now missing? I thought about this tonight, we were in bed getting ready to sleep and I remembered I left my daughters window open today, I turned to my husband and asked him if he had closed it. He assured me he had, but then the thoughts started keeping in, did he... does he really remember closing it?
I could see her falling out, I could see the aftermath. I could even see me later in her room refusing to leave crying and wallowing in my guilt in my laziness that two minutes checking that damn window could have made a difference.
Why do I think cryptic dark thoughts like this? I don't know, I wish I could live "Leave it to Beaver" style and know that nothing will happen, no bad things can penetrate if I just keep my head up and my house clean.
I have been frustrated with my life allot in the past few years and as of late I have been frustrated with the stage my daughter is currently in. But thinking of loosing it sickens me and makes me take a step back from my own selfishness and realize what I have.
Some days I can understand what appeals to a hermit, a loner, and outcast. Never having to love means never having to let anyone penetrate your walls and attach themselves to your life. No risk of loosing anything, it must feel safer that way.
Obviously I would rather have my family but the thought of loosing them still reels me from the inside.
Maybe I am just paranoid but maybe i am just choosing to see life as it really is, a crap shoot.... a gamble. Tomorrow I will do better, I will love and live and move on as if nothing can go wrong. But inside I will carry my fear, inside I will wonder. For now though I am going upstairs and kissing my daughter and checking on my son... And yes I will double check that stupid window, because at least I can do that I can try to make a difference by not taking the chance. At least tonight I can try to turn left instead of right and love my family now this very minute.....

Good night